501 Funny Quotes For A Never-Ending Laughter

 

Funny Inspirational And Funny Motivational Quotes To Make You Smile

 

“Tell a man there are 300 billion stars in the universe and he’ll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint on it and he will have to touch it to be sure.”

– Murphy’s Law

Funny Inspirational And Funny Motivational Quotes: We all need a break from our daily hectic schedule to revitalize ourselves. Yes, there are numerous means of entertainment, but what could be better than that which makes you laugh out loud in your spare moments? So, to bring a smile to your face, today, we have compiled a great collection of some of the best funniest quotes.

Studies show that people who laugh together stay together for a long time. This is one of the greatest relationship secrets. If your partner makes you LOL and humor is what connects your hearts, these funny relationship quotes may be the perfect punchlines to keep that humorous spark alive.

If you don’t want to bore your child, friend, spouse, or anyone else with your serious and boring advances then go for these Funny Inspirational and Funny Motivational Quotes that will make your day. You will find laughter, humor, and a bit of inspiration in these quotes. Have A Great Funny Day!

 

There is a theory which states that if ever anyone discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states that this has already happened.

– Douglas Adams

An expert is a man who tells you a simple thing in a confused way in such a fashion as to make you think the confusion is your own fault.

– William Castle

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘I don’t know how to hold a pencil?

– Anonymous

My advice to you is get married: If you find a good wife, you will be happy; if not, you will become a philosopher.

– Socrates

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

– Groucho Marx

See the world like a big wardrobe. Everybody has his own costume. There is only one that fits you perfectly.

– George Harris

I can’t understand why a person will take a year to write a novel when he can easily buy one for a few dollars.

– Fred Allen

I look at the moon and it looks really beautiful!… Then I look at you… and… I think I’ll look at the moon again?!

– Anonymous

People need to understand the difference between want and need. Like, I want Abs, but I need chocolate.

– Anonymous

A woman never wears a dress to attract other men, but she wears a dress to make other women jealous.

– Pawan Pratap Singh

My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.

– Tina Fey

Since light travels faster than sound, people may appear bright until you hear them speak.

– Alan Dundes

Girls can do any work in this world. It is the mistake only, which they can never commit.

– Lifelords

If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

– Dalai Lama

Some things are better left unsaid. Which I generally realize right after I have said them.

– Crazy Moma

From there to here, and here to there, funny things are everywhere.

– Dr. Seuss

Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before.

– Mae West

I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

– Arthur C. Clarke

I would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong.

– Bertrand Russell

Gambling: The sure way of getting nothing for something.

– Wilson Mizner

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Top Funny Inspirational Quotes For Men With Pictures

There is a saying that if you get something for free, you should know that you’re the product. It was never more true than in the case of Facebook and Gmail and YouTube. You get free social-media services, and you get free funny cat videos. In exchange, you give up the most valuable asset you have, which is your personal data.

– Yuval Noah Harari

If anyone has complained about my message, they have the whole right to break their mobile phone by colliding it with the nearest wall. Because there is nothing better than your pleasure for me.

– Pawan Pratap Singh

If you didn’t see it with your own eyes or hear it with your own ears, don’t invent it with your small mind and share it with your big mouth!

– Anonymous

Life is the movie you see through your own eyes. It makes little difference what’s happening out there. It’s how you take it that counts.

– Denis Waitley

If people have any complaints about you… always remember that it’s their problem, not yours, So Just Relax and Enjoy.

– Lifelords

I prefer not to think before speaking. I like being as surprised as everyone else by what comes out of my mouth.

– Dorothy Parker

If your capacity to acquire has outstripped your capacity to enjoy, you are on the way to the scrap-heap.

– Glen Buck

All happiness of the world is on one side and the pleasure of 100% battery of the phone is on another side.

– Lifelords

If a woman is down-to-earth she is called a cow and if a man is down-to-earth he is called a Donkey.

– Pawan Pratap Singh

Consider the postage stamp: its usefulness consists in the ability to stick to one thing, till it gets there.

– Josh Billings

I don’t think inside the box and I don’t think outside the box… I don’t even know where the box is.

– Anonymous

I’ve always wanted to go to Switzerland to see what the army does with those wee red knives.

– Billy Connolly

The worst part of online shopping is having to get up and get your credit card from your purse.

– Anonymous

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

– Robert Byrne

I don’t have to take this abuse from you; I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.

– Bill Murray

If someone calls you ‘Ugly’ have a good comeback and say ‘Excuse me, I am not a mirror’.

– Anonymous

I never forget a face. But in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception.

– Groucho Marx

Spring: When your nose does more running than you do.

– Anonymous

If you have a secret, people will sit a little bit closer.

– Rob Cordry

You are as intelligent as you are good-looking.

– Panda Express

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Funny Motivational Quotes To Make You Smile Now

Doing nothing is not as easy as it looks. You have to be careful because the idea of doing anything which could easily lead to doing something that could cut into your nothing and that would force me to have to drop everything.

– Jerry Seinfeld

Do you know why a son-in-law is respected so much in Laws House? Because they know this is the great man who is taking care of the storm of their home.

– Lifelords

If you lived with a roommate as unstable as this economic system, you would’ve moved out or demanded that your roommate get professional help.

– Richard D. Wolff

My mind is like my web browser. 19 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.

– Anonymous

How bad maybe the character of policemen, but the character certificate of people is made by the policemen.

– Lifelords

Next time a stranger talks to you when you are alone, just look at them shocked and whisper, ‘You can see me?’

– Anonymous

People in LA are deathly afraid of gluten. I swear to god, you could rob a liquor store in this city with a bagel.

– Ryan Reynolds

I am not clumsy. It’s just the floor hates me, the tables and chairs are bullies, and the wall gets in the way.

– Anonymous

People often say that motivation doesn’t last. Well, neither does bathing – that’s why we recommend it daily.

– Zig Ziglar

You may not realize it when it happens, but a kick in the teeth may be the best thing in the world for you.

– Walt Disney

Half our life is spent trying to find something to do with the time we have rushed through life trying to save.

– Will Rogers

Isn’t it funny how red white and blue represent freedom unless they’re flashing behind you?

– Anonymous

All my life I’ve wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.

– Robert Breault

I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.

– Bob Hope

I did not attend his funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it.

– Mark Twain

A bald spot is like a lie, the bigger it gets the harder it is to cover it up.

– Anonymous

Some people are like clouds. When they disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

– Anonymous

Why don’t you get a haircut? You look like a chrysanthemum.

– P. G. Wodehouse

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

– Woody Allen

Your phone doesn’t suck. Your life sucks around the phone.

– Louis C.K.

 

Best Funny Quotes To Make You Laugh Out Loud

Do you know why the beautiful girls, don’t spend much time on their education? Because they know that any donkey would be trying to become a Doctor or Engineer for them in some corner of the world.

– Lifelords

My greatest hero is Nelson Mandela. What a man. Incarcerated for 25 years, he was released in 1990 and he hasn’t reoffended. I think he’s going straight, which shows you prison does work.

– Ricky Gervais

If I had 10 cookies and you took half, do you know what you would have? That’s right, a black eye and a broken hand.

– Anonymous

Donald Trump needs 500 donkeys to attack Iraq. 499 have already reached, go immediately as you read this message.

– Lifelords

Content marketing is really like a first date. If all you do is talk about yourself, there won’t be a second date.

– David Beebe

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

– Sam Levenson

We are all here on earth to help others; what on earth the others are here for I don’t know.

– W. H. Auden

You know your driving is really terrible when your GPS says ‘After 300 feet, stop and let me out!’

– Anonymous

I just spent half an hour looking for my phone in the car, using the flashlight of my phone.

– Anonymous

The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

– Clarence Darrow

You don’t realize how much you take breathing for granted until your nose is stuffed up.

– Anonymous

It does not matter whether you win or lose, what matters is whether I win or lose!

– Steven Weinberg

Always go to other people’s funerals, otherwise, they won’t come to yours.

– Yogi Berra

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.

– Lily Tomlin

Never let anyone treat you like you are regular glue. You are glitter glue.

– Anonymous

A man in love is incomplete until he has married. Then he is finished.

– Zsa Zsa Gabor

There is nothing like a warm spring day to remind you to take your Antihistamines.

– Anonymous

The only time I feel light-hearted is when I’m on a plane at 33,000 feet.

– Robert Rivers

I failed kindergarten because I couldn’t spell my last name.

– Zach Galifianakis

Expert: a man who makes three correct guesses consecutively.

– Laurence J. Peter

 

Famous Funny Inspirational Quotes With Images

Earlier children used to be born at Granny’s home, so they frequently visit granny’s home. Today children are born at hospitals, so they visit hospitals regularly. Because motherland calls everyone.

– Lifelords

Why don’t they give us things we can actually use? I don’t need a thinner phone. Do you know what I need? I need to tortilla chip that can support the weight of guacamole.

– Ellen DeGeneres

Never follow anyone else’s path. Unless you’re in the woods and you’re lost and you see a path. Then by all means follow that path.

– Ellen DeGeneres

I just finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.

– Anonymous

The moon was full and so close that it seemed we could scoop out some moon ice cream and fill ourselves up on moonbeams.

– Elif Ekin

Facebook is like jail, you sit around and waste time, you write on walls and you get poked by people you don’t know.

– Will Ferrell

When you do not know what you are doing and what you are doing is the best – that is an inspiration.

– Robert Bresson

A funny thing happens when we start keeping promises to ourselves – we become unstoppable.

– Ken Fite

I finally realized that people are prisoners of their phones… that’s why it’s called a “cell” phone.

– Anonymous

Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home.

– Phyllis Diller

If you don’t like me, remember it’s mind over matter. I don’t mind and you don’t matter.

– Anonymous

If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.

– Maya Angelou

I was deeply unhappy, but I didn’t know it because I was so happy all the time.

– Steve Martin

Don’t keep a man guessing too long – he’s sure to find the answer somewhere else.

– Mae West

I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that I don’t know the answer.

– Douglas Adams

Don’t cry over spilled milk. By this time tomorrow, it’ll be free yogurt.

– Stephen Colbert

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

– Demetri Martin

What people will think, If we think that, then what people would think.

– Lifelords

Some girls are so beautiful that boys reject themselves in their minds.

– Lifelords

I wonder how police on bikes arrest people. “Alright, get in the basket.”

– Anonymous

 

Funny Quotes From The World’s Funniest People

I prefer someone who burns the flag and then wraps themselves up in the Constitution over someone who burns the Constitution and then wraps themselves up in the flag.

– Molly Ivins

If you really want to know how someone handles frustration… Put them in a long-distance relationship and give them a slow internet connection.

– Anonymous

Every Modern girl knows these three things: Making Boyfriend an Owl, Preparing Maggie in-home, and Making Mouth Postures during Selfie.

– Lifelords

It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

– Navjot Singh Sidhu

If you could kick the person in the pants responsible for most of your trouble, you wouldn’t sit for a month.

– Theodore Roosevelt

People learn something every day, and a lot of times it’s that what they learned the day before was wrong.

– Bill Vaughan

Girls also have the superpower, otherwise to stop Scooty with just a foot is not an easy task.

– Lifelords

I can only please one person per day. Today I choose myself. Tomorrow is also not your turn.

– Anonymous

When people congratulate me on my pregnancy, I like to say ‘For What’ and watch them panic.

– Anonymous

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

– Marty Allen

Don’t explain everything to everyone. You are a man, not the detergent powder.

– Lifelords

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly; devils fall because of their gravity.

– G.K. Chesterton

Spring is the time of year when it is summer in the sun and winter in the shade.

– Charles Dickens

Neither dogs can digest clarified butter, nor can Girls digest true love.

– Lifelords

Chaos in the midst of chaos isn’t funny, but chaos in the midst of order is.

– Steve Martin

Oh, God! If you can’t make me slim then please make my friends fat.

– Lifelords

To argue with girls is like teaching iPhone to granny.

– Lifelords

I buy expensive suits. They just look cheap on me.

– Warren Buffett

After Tuesday even the calendar goes WTF.

– Anonymous

I am only human, although I regret it.

– Mark Twain

 

Funny Motivational Quotes That Will Make You LOL

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already.

– Dave Barry

I did a push-up today. Well, actually I fell down. But I had to use my arms to get back up so… You know, close enough. I need some chocolate.

– Anonymous

Whenever someone calls me ugly I get super sad and hug them because I know how tough life is for the visually impaired.

– Will Ferrell

It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

– Jerry Seinfeld

The universe consists of 5% protons, 5% neutrons, 5% electrons…and 85% morons.

– Anonymous

Waiting until the movie starts to eat your popcorn is the hardest thing in the world.

– Anonymous

A cop pulled me over and told me “Papers”, so I said “Scissors, I win!” and drove off.

– Anonymous

There are three ways in life to become popular: be rich, be beautiful, or be funny.

– Jon Macks

My bed is a magical place where I suddenly remember everything I forgot to do.

– Anonymous

Every cloud has its silver lining but it is sometimes a little difficult to get it to the mint.

– Don Marquis

It’s funny how most people love the dead, once you’re dead, you’re made for life.

– Jimi Hendrix

Superman doesn’t need any seat belt. Superman doesn’t need an airplane either.

– Anonymous

It’s amazing how the world begins to change through the eyes of a cup of coffee.

– Donna A. Favors

My pill doesn’t kill the man! It just awakens the beast in the man.

– Lifelords

All my life I thought air was free until I bought a bag of chips.

– Anonymous

If Cinderella’s shoe fit perfectly, then why did it fall off?

– Anonymous

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

– George Carlin

Think like a proton. Always positive.

– Author Unknown

Weird is a side-effect of awesome.

– Anonymous

 

Funny Quotes From Comedians, Authors, And Movies

A teacher suffered a sudden heart attack when a student signed his property on his name, by joining the group of students who were taking his signs on their practical copies.

– Lifelords

Walk-in your own way. Love in your own style. Talk in your own words. Help in your own ways. Then people will say… Idiot, won’t listen to anybody.

– Anonymous

Everyone has at least one story, and each of us is funny if we admit it. You have to admit you’re the funniest person you’ve ever heard of.

– Maya Angelou

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

– George Carlin

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it just becomes a soap opera.

– Anonymous

If you saw a man drowning and you could either save him or photograph the event – what kind of film would you use?

– Anonymous

Two mysterious people live in my house. “Somebody” and “Nobody.” Somebody did it and nobody knows who.

– Anonymous

Being popular on Facebook is like sitting at the cool table in the cafeteria of a mental hospital.

– Anonymous

I just go out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark and flew across the room.

– Steven Wright

No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.

– H. D. Balzac

My goal this weekend is to move… just enough so people don’t think I’m dead.

– Anonymous

Crafting fills my life and my closets and my drawers and every empty torn bag in the house.

– Anonymous

A man does not know what happiness is until he is married. By then it is too late.

– Frank Sinatra

Money can give you bed… but not sleep.
Money can give you food…but not the appetite.
Money can give you clothes…but not beauty.
Money can give you items of luxury… but not the fulfillment
So all of you please transfer your money into my account and live like a monk.
Your best friend…

– Lifelords

I don’t think anyone should write their autobiography until after they’re dead.

– Samuel Goldwyn

My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday.

– Anonymous

What is Romance: A temporary insanity curable by marriage.

– Ambrose Bierce

We’re all mature until someone pulls out some bubble wrap.

– Anonymous

If any of you cry at my funeral I’ll never speak to you again.

– Stan Laurel

A man’s home is his wife’s castle.

– Alexander Chase

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Funny Motivational Quotes With Stunning Images

Want someone to stop texting you? Send back ‘SERVICE ERROR 305: Delivery Failed, Further Messages will be charged at a rate of $1 per Message to Your Account.

– Anonymous

Keep some space for me in your heart, but never in your mind…as it could be very dangerous to keep me in mind because I am Mind-Blowing…

– Lifelords

Why, yes, I could start my day without coffee. But I like being able to remember things like how to say words and put on pants.

– Nanea Hoffman

People who wonder whether the glass is half empty or half full miss the point. The glass is refillable.

– Simon Sinek

The awkward moment when your chair makes weird noises and everyone thinks it is you.

– Anonymous

The distinguishing mark of a man is the hand, the instrument with which he does all his mischief.

– George Orwell

1998: Don’t get in a car with strangers.
2008: Don’t meet people from the internet alone.
2019: UBER… Order yourself a stranger from the internet to get into a car alone.

– Anonymous

During the day I don’t believe in ghosts. At night I become a bit more open-minded.

– Anonymous

I walk around like everything’s fine, but deep down, inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.

– Anonymous

Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.

– Albert Camus

Some days, you’re the pigeon, some days you’re the statue, just live with it.

– Anonymous

You never realize what you have until it’s gone. Toilet paper is a good example.

– Anonymous

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

– Mark Twain

Never pick a fight with an ugly person, they’ve got nothing to lose.

– Robin Williams

The only reason people get lost in thought is because it’s unfamiliar territory.

– Paul Fix

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.

– Casey Stengel

I just sneezed next to my computer and the anti-virus popped up.

– Anonymous

Written on her tombstone: “I told you I was sick.

– Erma Bombeck

To err is human; to admit it, superhuman.

– Doug Larson

Zombies eat brains. You are safe.

– Anonymous

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Funny Inspirational Quotes For A Never-Ending Laughter

Years ago there was a belief that the world was flat. People were born into that belief and they took it on faith that if they went too far from the shoreline in a boat they would fall off the earth. Columbus sailed on.

– Les Brown

Never sing in the Shower. Singing leads to dancing, Dancing leads to slipping, and slipping leads to paramedics seeing you naked, So Remember don’t sing.

– Anonymous

Visualize something totally funny or crazy! This will instantly change how you feel because you can’t visualize two things at the same time.

– Mark Snyder

The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

– Robert Frost

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to locate a roll of toilet paper. This message will self-flush in 5 seconds. Good luck.

– Anonymous

A lot of people ask me if I were shipwrecked, and could only have one book, what would it be? I always say ‘How to Build a Boat.’

– Steven Alexander Wright

An economist is an expert who will know tomorrow why the things he predicted yesterday didn’t happen today.

– Laurence J. Peter

If fools got the power to change the world, they would change everything in the world except themselves.

– Pawan Pratap Singh

I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.

– Robert Benchley

An English Mam to her servant: You Duffer, You can’t do any work properly, Nonsense, Idiot…
Servant interrupting angrily: Mind your language Madam, I’m your servant, not your husband.

– Lifelords

Here’s something to think about: How come you never see a headline like ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

– Jay Leno

First only I was sad, then I joined Whatsapp and now everyone is sad because of me.

– Lifelords

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.

– Groucho Marx

God made man and then rested. God made women and then no one rested.

– Anonymous

I ran five miles today. Then, finally, I said, ‘Here, lady… take your purse.’

– Emo Philips

It is a common delusion that you can make things better by talking about them.

– Rose MacAulay

I didn’t fall, I’m just spending some quality time with the floor.

– Anonymous

May you live so long your entire body resembles a scrotum.

– Anonymous

The reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.

– Mark Twain

If you’re too open-minded; your brains will fall out.

– Lawrence Ferlinghetti

Life of A Man:
18 Years: My time will come.
30 Years: My time will come.
40 Years: My time will come.
50 Years: My time will come.
And one day…
Doctor: Please Inform the relatives, His time has come.

– Pawan Pratap Singh

More On Lifelords: 15 Short Funny Stories For Kids of Every Age

We hope you have enjoyed our collection of funny inspirational and funny motivational quotations and that they have brought a smile to your face. Share them with other people who could use a smile and a bit of encouragement this day! What is your favorite funny quote? Feel free to share the best one you have found in this article in the comments section below.

“Doctors are just the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.”

– Anton Chekhov