Very Funny Jokes For Adults That Will Make You Laugh Wholeheartedly
“There I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large, troublemaking biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. “Well, whatcha’ gonna do about it?” he says menacingly. I burst into tears. “This is the worst day of my life,” I say. “I’m a complete failure. I was late for a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found that my car had been stolen and I didn’t have any insurance.
I left my wallet in the cab I took to get home. At home, I found my wife with another man. Then my dog bit me. So I came to this bar to work up the courage to end it all. I bought a drink and dropped a suicide capsule in it. Then, after all that, as I sat down here watching the poison dissolve, you come in here and drink the whole damn thing!”
Best Funny Jokes For Adults: Laughter is the best medicine and jokes are the best medium to bring laughter. There will hardly be a person whose heart does not become cheerful after reading jokes. The importance of jokes is that when people around you are either sad, or in a serious mood, or in a problem Jokes can help them to feel better. But why a good sense of humor is an essential life skill?
Because studies have shown that a sense of humor can improve your mental and physical health, boost your attractiveness, and improve your leadership traits. Jokes make people laugh and this can stimulate blood circulation and muscle relaxation, which can help reduce some physical symptoms of pain.
Laughter can help lessen your stress, depression, and anxiety and may make you feel happier. It can also improve your self-esteem and sense of humor. No doubt, comedy is one surefire way to help people relax, destress, and let go of things. Remember, humor is more than just foolish fun.
It serves as a safety valve for dealing with reality that gives us the courage to endure that which cannot be tolerated. As humorous sessions are often considered good times for individuals, we are going to share some great funny jokes that will make you mad with unlimited laughter.
John and David were both patients in a Mental Hospital. One day, while they were walking, they passed the hospital swimming pool and John suddenly dove into the deep end. He sank to the bottom and stayed there. David promptly jumped in and saved him, swimming to the bottom of the pool and pulling John out.
The medical director came to know of David’s heroic act. He immediately ordered that David be discharged from the hospital as he now considered him to be OK. The doctor said, “David, we have good news and bad news for you!
The good news is that we are going to discharge you because you have regained your sanity. Since you were able to jump in and save another patient, you must be mentally stable. The bad news is that the patient that you saved hung himself in the bathroom and died after all.”
David replied, “Doctor, John didn’t hang himself. I hung him there to dry.”
A young woman brings home her fiance to meet her parents. After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man. The father invites the fiance to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I’m a bible scholar”. he replies.
“A bible scholar? Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies, ” and God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?” asks her father.
“I will concentrate on my studies,” the young man replies. “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father.
“How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry, sir, God will provide,” replies the fiance.
The conversation proceeds like this, and each time the father questions him, the young idealist insists that God will provide.
Lather, the mother asks, “How did it go, honey?”
The father answers, “The bad news is, he has no job and no plans.
The good news is he thinks I’m God.”
During army training, the commanding officer asked Pappu: “What is in your hand?”
Pappu: Sir, this is a gun…!
Officer: “No, It’s not just a gun! It’s your respect, your pride, your mother. Yes, It’s your mother…!”
Then the officer asked another soldier Gappu: “What is in your hand?”
Gappu: “Sir, this is Pappu’s mother, his pride, his respect, and our aunt…!
The officer fainted on hearing this…
“I have good and bad news,” the doctor said to his patient.
“Give me the good news first,” the patient said.
“Your test results are back,” the doctor said,
“And you have only seven days to live.”
“That’s the good news?” the patient exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“I’ve been trying to reach you for seven days.”
An American tourist in Australia got hit by a car.
He woke up in a hospital with a doctor standing over him.
He asked the doctor, “Did I come here to die?”
The doctor replied, “Nah, mate, you came here yesterday.”
Pappu: I want to open a Joint Account…
Bank Manager: With Whom?
Pappu: Who has a lot of money in his account.
Bank Manager (Angrily): Get out, you bloody Idiot…
If people have complaints against you…
Always remember that it’s their problem, not yours.
So Just Relax and Enjoy…
All the happiness in the world on one side and
the joy of 100% battery of the phone aside.
Friendship on Monday
Love on Tuesday
Wedding on Wednesday
Argument on Thursday
Fight on Friday
Divorce on Saturday
Rest on Sunday
And searching again on Monday
Very Funny Husband-Wife Jokes For Adults With Pictures
Three men are stranded in the desert. A blind man, an amputee, and a man in a wheelchair. They’d been traveling for hours and they crest a sand dune and to their surprise, there’s a beautiful oasis. So all 3 men travel to it, the amputee jumps in, and when he steps out he looks at his arm and it has grown back.
Amazed he leads the blind man in and as he comes out the other side he can astonishingly see again. The 2 men grab the man in the wheelchair and push him through the oasis as he comes out the other side… New tires!
Why Every Woman Needs A Husband:
A woman goes to a Psychiatrist and complains: “I do not want to marry. I’m educated, independent, and self-sufficient. I don’t need a husband. But my parents are asking me to marry. What do I do?”
The psychiatrist replied: “You, undoubtedly will achieve great things in life.
But some things inevitably will not go the way you want.
Somethings will go wrong. Sometimes you will fail.
Sometimes your plans won’t work.
Sometimes your wishes will not be fulfilled.
Then who will you blame?
Will you blame Yourself?”
That’s why you need a husband!”
A bachelor friend to A Husband: Hey buddy! Why are you so afraid of your wife?
Husband to his friend: Get married once, and then automatically you will also start feeling scared.
Son-in-law to Father-in-law: Dad, your daughter has made my life miserable.
Father-in-law (with a sigh of grief): Son! Just think about me, I dare to live with her mother.
Husband (to wife): Have you bought another pair of jeans? Just the day before yesterday…
The wife shouted: What the day before yesterday? Speak… Speak, why did you stop?
Tell me what the day before yesterday? How dare you say that…
Husband (faintly): Nothing Honey, I was just saying that the day before yesterday,
you had brought only one pair of jeans, today you should have brought two…!!!
A husband calls his angry wife every day. One day his Mother-in-law said angrily:
How many times have I said that now she will not come to your house.
Then why do you harass her by calling every day?
Son-in-law: Nice to hear, that’s why.
Once a man of wisdom said: When a woman doesn’t have a husband to annoy her,
Then even God doesn’t know how many people she bothers.
Both man and woman make an agreement at the time of marriage:
Woman leaves her home and Man leaves his happiness and peace.
A husband is a creature who is definitely not afraid of ghosts
but ‘4 Missed Calls’ of the wife are enough to scare him…
Great Funny Jokes For Adults For A Perfect Entertainment
A really huge muscular guy with a bad stutter walks up to a counter in a department store and asks, “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?” The clerk behind the counter just looks at him and says nothing. The man repeats himself: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”
Again, the clerk doesn’t answer him. The guy asks several more times: “W-w-w-where’s the m-m-m-men’s dep-p-p-partment?”
And the clerk just seems to ignore him. Finally, the guy storms away in anger after not being answered. The customer who was waiting in line behind the muscular guy asked the clerk, “Why wouldn’t you answer that guy’s question?”
The clerk replies, “D-d-d-do you th-th-th-think I w-w-w-want to get b-b-b-beat up?!!”
A fifteen-year-old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.
The boy asked, “What is this Father?”
The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room.
The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.
They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
Finally, the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out.
The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son…
“Go fast, get your Mother.”
I was in a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said, “I want you to try and sell this to me.”
So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.
Eventually, he called me on my phone and said, “Bring it back here right now!”
I replied, “£100 and it’s yours.”
Pappu to his girlfriend: I see God in you what should I do?
Girlfriend: What to do? Just throw money, bow your head, and move forward,
There are many more devotees in the queue…!!!
Men are like fishes… They always get in trouble when they open their mouth.
What do you call someone who contributes nothing to society?
Paratrooper: What happens if my parachute doesn’t open?
Sergeant: Bring it back and we’ll give you a new one.
This is called real recycling:
When my legs hurt while riding the bicycle, I took a bike.
When my back hurt after riding the bike, I bought a car.
When I got love handles after driving the car, I joined the gym.
And now cycle back to the gym…
I removed the shell from my racing snail.
I thought it would make it faster,
but if anything it’s more sluggish.
Seriously Funny Jokes For Adults To Make You Smile Now
A black boy got married to a very beautiful white girl. On the night of the honeymoon, as soon as the boy extinguished the light, his bride started laughing out loud. The boy immediately switched on the light and asked: what happened, why are you laughing?
The bride said: My mother said that my son-in-law is a diamond and when you turned off the light, your eyes and teeth started shining like diamonds, so I laughed that mother had said about you a diamond or about your eyes and teeth.
A man was driving on the highway in the US when suddenly he was hit by a drunk driver, breaking his right arm, puncturing his lung, and putting him into a short coma.
Despite not having insurance, he left the hospital without any financially crippling debt that would haunt him for the rest of his life and compromise his future savings.
My daughter brought a friend from school and she said his great-great-great-great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later
I was impressed and asked: “Does he know how his so many greats grandfathers lived for so long?”
My daughter answered: “It’s because of my friend’s stutter.”
If a woman is straightforward – she is called a cow but if a man is straightforward – he is called a donkey.
One day a child asked his mother: Mom! How much I worth to you?
Mom: Son! You are one in a million for me…
The child said innocently: So mom, please give me just 10 dollars out of those Millions.
What is The Difference Between Girlfriend And Wife:
Wife is like a TV, But a Girlfriend is like a MOBILE.
At home you watch TV,
But when you go out you take your MOBILE.
No money, you sell the TV,
Got money you change your MOBILE.
Sometimes you enjoy TV,
But most of the time you play with your MOBILE.
TV is free for life,
But for the MOBILE, if you don’t pay, the services will be terminated.
TV is big, bulky, and most of the time old,
But the MOBILE is cute, slim, curvy, and very portable.
Operational costs for TV is often acceptable,
But for the MOBILE it is often high and demanding.
TV has a remote,
Most importantly, MOBILE is a two-way communication (you talk and listen),
But with the TV you MUST only listen (whether you want to or not).
Last but not least …
TVs don’t have viruses, But Mobiles often do!
Girl: Honey, when do you miss me the most?
Boy: When mom says, let your wife come,
Will get all the household chores done.
I ordered a book called “How to scam people”
It’s been 6 months and I still haven’t received it.
First I was unhappy, but then I joined Whatsapp
And now everyone is unhappy with me…
Best Teacher-Students Funny Jokes For Adults With Images
An employee of the cemetery was digging a grave after drinking alcohol. It was evening while he was digging while drunk. When he could not get out because the grave was too deep, he pleaded: “For God’s sake get me out. I am dying of cold.”
A man was passing by. He peeped into the grave and said – “Brother, you will feel cold, it seems people have forgotten to put soil on you.”
Madam to Pappu: Count from 1 to 10…!
Pappu: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10.
Madam: Where is 6…?
Pappu: Ma’am, he is dead…!
Madam (Astonishingly): Died? But how…when…?
Pappu: Ma’am, In today’s morning news, the TV Anchor was saying that because of an unknown disease, six died…!!!
Teacher: If one woman makes 20 Chapatis (Rotis) in one hour, then how many rotis can three women make in one hour…?
Student: Not even one! Because all three together will only gossip…!
The teacher is still unconscious after listening to the child…
Student: Sir, what do you call a wife who is fair, tall, beautiful, smart, understands her husband, and never quarrels?
Teacher: Son, it is called the illusion of the mind. Just an Illusion of the mind…!!!
Madam: Where were you for so many days? why didn’t you come to the school?
Golu: It was bird flu, ma’am.
Madam: But this happens to birds, not humans.
Golu: Have you ever considered us humans?…
Every day you make us roosters in the classroom…!!
Teacher: You will not be punished for the work which you have not done.
Johnny: Thank you, Ma’am! Today I forgot my homework.
Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with “I”.
Student: I is the….
Teacher: Stop! Never put ‘is’ after “I”. Always put ‘am’ after “I”.
Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet…
Childhood spent in improving handwriting
And life is wasting on the keyboard…
Funny Jokes For Kids And Adults To Drive Away Their Worries
There was a crowd outside the bank. A man was trying to move forward again and again but the crowd would grab him and pull him back. After being pulled back 5-6 times he shouted, “Stay in the queue, you rascals. I will not open the bank today!”
One day, at night, a beautiful girl was roaming around in white clothes. Suddenly four boys came there and said teasingly to the girl: Hey Blondie, are you not afraid of walking alone so late at night?
Girl: Bro, when I was alive, I was afraid too much, but now there is nothing to fear.
On hearing this, all four boys disappeared like horns from a donkey’s head!
Mother: Look, honey! A sofa is not meant for lying, it is meant for sitting.
Son: Okay… Then slippers are also meant for wearing, not for hitting.
After hearing this, mother welcomed the son with slippers…
Patient: Oh doctor, I’m just so nervous. This is my first operation.
Doctor: Don’t worry. Mine too.
Pappu’s wife: Listen, were you abusing me while asleep?
Pappu: Oh no dear! This is just your illusion.
Wife: What an illusion?
Pappu: That, I was sleeping…!!!
You should marry only a girl older than yourself because
If she beats you, then be satisfied with the fact that she is older than you.
As I get older, I remember all the people I lost along the way.
Maybe a career as a tour guide was not the right choice.
I have a fish that can breakdance!
Though only for 20 seconds, and only once.
Want to live a life of obscurity,
Just pass the loan once…
Marriage is also ours
But tension for all the relatives.
Adult Jokes For Husbands And Wives That Are Actually Funny
Once an old man died in a village, so the school located there announced a holiday. When some children were returning from school, they saw two elderly people. One of them exclaimed joyfully: “Whoa! two holidays are coming…!!!”
A Nobel prize should also be given to those wives who, even after speaking 300 words per minute say, “Don’t force me to open my mouth.”
A boy and a girl were newly married. The next day in the morning the husband poured water on his sleeping wife.
The wife suddenly woke up from her sleep and said angrily: Why did you pour water?
Husband: Your father said my daughter is a bud of a flower. Don’t let her wither.
Husband posted on Facebook while sitting in the office: “Flying like a bird in the blue sky.”
Soon after the post, wife commented: “Bring vegetables to your home as soon as you touch the ground…”
Otherwise, I will not let even a single hair remain in your garden (head)…!!!
Pappu’s wife at the railway station: I’m thirsty, give me some water.
Pappu: Why not have some spicy Chicken Biryani?
Wife: Wow! Got water in my mouth…
Pappu: Just quench your thirst with this water.
Once someone asked a wise Priest: What is the meaning of wife?
Priest: Wife is like the prasad of the temple, in which
you cannot find any fault, even if you want.
One has to accept it silently with reverence and helplessness.
Man to the barber: Bro, please cut hair short.
Hairdresser: How short, Sir?
Man: Do it so much that my wife could no longer hold them in her hands.
Wife: Why do you go out in the balcony, when I start singing?
Husband: Because people would think I am beating you.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said
I was going to give our daughter a silly name…
So I called her Bluff…
Married men have wives and
Bachelors have the dreams of wife.
Short Dark Humor Jokes For Kids & Growing-up Children
A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher for 16-year-olds. She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun kicking a ball. She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
‘Are you okay?’ She says.
‘Yes,’ he says.
‘You can go and play with the other kids you know’ she says.
‘No, it’s probably best I stay here,’ he says.
‘Why’s that sweetie?’ says the blonde.
The boy looks at her incredulously and says,
“Because I’m the Goalie!”
I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, “Well, that means…”
“It’s pasture bedtime!”
My parents raised me as an only child, which really annoyed my younger brother.
One man’s trash is another man’s treasure. Wonderful saying, horrible way to find out you were adopted.
I’m sick and tired of this “everybody wins” mentality kids have these days.
Seriously, they never exercise, lie in bed 12 hours a day, and
sit down far more often than they stand up. And they still get atrophy.
The first threat in my life was given by a barber when I was getting my hair cut:
Sit straight, otherwise, I’ll cut off your ear.
How wonderful were those days when people used to kiss us like crazy.
But it was our bad luck as we used to be 2 years old at that time.
What did the Avacado say to itself in the mirror?
You are ‘fat’ but you are ‘good fat’.
What would two termites order in a restaurant?
Table for 2.
Gas prices are so high…
That even the corona virus stopped traveling…
Funniest Adult Jokes That’ll Make You Laugh In A Moment
Heaven is where the cooks are French, the police are British, the mechanics are German, the lovers are Italian and everything is organized by the Swiss. Hell is where the cooks are British, the police are German, the mechanics are French, the lovers are Swiss, and everything is organized by Italians.
North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.
But I know that can’t possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.
China has now banned any military personnel from using Apple watches due to security reasons.
One soldier says with tears in his eyes “But but my daughter made it for me”.
I don’t know what kind of time has come when people fix marriage in a 10-minute meeting,
but do not give a job even after taking five interviews of one hour each.
Why will the American people never convert to the metric system?
Because they’ll never accept a foreign ruler.
As soon as the door was opened, the girl said:
Day after tomorrow I am getting married…
Why have you come back into my life now…???
Boy: We have got an order to set up the tent!!!
What now? Leave the business as well…?
A raging drunkard was mumbling…
These women closed all the liquor shops.
Now the time has come that men should
also closed all Beauty Parlors so that
everyone could recognize the real face of women.
What’s worse than 9 babies in a garbage bin?
1 baby in 9 garbage bins.
Hindu, Muslim, Sikh, Christian,
Wife straighten everyone!
Famous Hilarious Corny Jokes For Kids And Everyone Else
Earlier, children were born in their grandmother’s house, hence they used to visit their grandmother’s house again and again. Nowadays babies are born in hospitals, hence they go to the hospital again and again. Because… the birthplace calls everyone.
A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital. She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”
The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”
The old lady in her weak voice said, “Doreen Jacobs, Room 604.”
The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”
After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well.
Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”
The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”
The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?”
The grandmother said, “No, I’m Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me shit.”
A woman was telling her neighbor: “You know, I didn’t have any children for 20 years.”
Neighbor Woman in surprise: “Then what did you do?”
Woman: Then when I turned 21, my father arranged my marriage. And only after that, I could become the mother of a child.
The neighbor woman fainted while standing…
Women abroad are worried whether their lives will be saved from Corona or not.
The women of India… are still busy making Papad and Chips for the whole year.
This is called confidence…!!!
A stunningly beautiful blonde asked Pappu in the restaurant: Are you single?
Pappu exclaimed joyously: Yes!
On hearing this, she took the extra chair beside him and went away.
A man walks into a bar and says “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”
“Well you’ve come to the right place.” says the bartender, “What’ll it be?”
The man replied, “One glass of water please.”
“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”
When milkmen go on strike, they throw milk on the road.
When tomato sellers go on strike, they throw tomatoes on the road.
Don’t know when these bank people will get the sense.
This morning I got a call from Income Tax people…
They said: Don’t put such a good status, otherwise tax will be imposed.
This is my little dream: Have 6-7 children!
And everyone has a different mother!
Funny Jokes For Adults Because Laughter Is For Everyone
An old farmer got up in the middle of the night to use the toilet. As he was heading back to bed, he looked out the window and saw the lights on in his shed. A closer inspection revealed men loading his tools and farm machinery into their truck. He rushes to the phone and calls 000 (911).
“I need the police! There are some guys clearing out my shed!”
“OK sir, we have dispatched officers. They should be there in about an hour.”
“An hour?! But they’ll be long gone by then!”
“I’m sorry sir but there are no officers in your area.”
The farmer hangs up angrily, waits 10 minutes, and then calls 000 again.
“Hi, it’s me again. Don’t worry about sending those cops, I’ve just shot the robbers.” and he hangs up.
Less than 10 minutes later, three cop cars and a helicopter arrive and the robbers are arrested. The sergeant goes up to the house and bangs on the door. The farmer opens it in his dressing gown and holding a cup of tea.
“What’s going on here!? You said you shot the robbers!”
“You said there were no officers in my area.”
An English lady to a servant: You duffer, you don’t do even a single task properly, you are ill-mannered…
Servant angrily: Madam, mind your language… I am your servant, not your husband!
Pappu proposed to a girl: Could you please love me?
Girl: See your face in a mirror? It is better to commit suicide than to love you.
Pappu: Ah, mean girl will die, but would not help a poor fellow.
My mom died because I could not remember her blood group.
She kept saying “Be positive ” but it’s going to be hard when she’s not around.
Money can give a bed…not sleep
Money can provide food…not hunger
Money can give clothes…not beauty
Money can provide means of luxury but not peace.
Therefore, all of you should transfer your money to my account and retire.
Keep a little space for us in your heart, but never in your mind…
Because keeping it in our mind can be quite dangerous,
Because we are mind-blowing…
Donald Trump needs 500 donkeys to attack Iraq.
499 have been reached, leave as soon as you read the message.
Girl: What’s your name?
Boy: Crazy lover.
Girl: Damn it! Is that even a name?
Boy: Just sit with me for 10 minutes,
then you yourself will call me by this name…
Life is in a deep shit,
still acting like Brad Pitt.
We hope you have liked these wonderful and hilarious funny jokes for adults. Please don’t hesitate to share these jokes with your friends. It doesn’t matter how many people you send this to, just remember if it makes you smile, your friends will smile too.
If you are looking for more funny jokes and quotes please have a look at 101 Funny Dirty Jokes and 201 Funny Quotes For A Never-ending Laughter.
“Have you ever thought about why a son-in-law is respected so much in his laws-house? Because they know this is the great man who is taking care of the mighty storm of their home.”