101 Funny Dirty Jokes That Will Keep You Laughing All Day

Team Lifelords | Posted on June 10, 2020 | No Comments |

Last Updated on June 2, 2024 by Team Lifelords

Funny Dirty Jokes With Images: Best Jokes of All Time To Tell Your Friends

“A Husband in A Good Mood Says to His Wife: Darling, Remember 25 Years Ago…I Had A Rented One-Room Apartment, A Table Fan, A Black & White TV, And A Cycle To Use. But, At Night I Used to Sleep Besides A 25-Year-Old Beautiful Girl. Now I Own A Luxurious Apartment, A Limousine, And Porsche, Servants… But I Sleep with A 50-Year-Old Woman. Wife: Don’t Worry…Just Find Yourself A 25-Year-Old Beautiful Woman… And I Will Make Sure That You Go Back to Your 1 Room Rented Apartment, Table Fan, Black & White TV, And A Cycle.”

– Anonymous

Funny Dirty Jokes For Adults

Funny Dirty Jokes For Her: We live in an increasingly disturbing and furious world. And everyone knows Laughter is a great form of stress relief. Sharing funny jokes will not only cheer up your friend, relative, or co-worker but will add to their well-being also. They will likely walk away in a better mood and happier than before, too.

Yes, we confess that Dirty jokes aren’t for everyone, but laughing at dirty jokes is completely normal particularly when you are with your bosom friends and close colleagues. And it could be a lifelong memory for many people that will lighten their mood as they recall the sweet memories of the yesteryears.

Like simple knock-knock jokes, Offensive jokes can also spread waves of humor and laughter in your daily life especially when you are at the right place, at the right time, and with the right people. But not everyone has the nerves or intelligence for morbid humor.

You need the nerves because you are making fun of taboo subjects, and getting others to laugh along with you. And intelligence, because understanding dark humor demands astuteness since it is not as easy to understand as your regular everyday jokes.

It requires unraveling intelligent wordplay, and also demands better emotional control so that you can distance yourself from the content and enjoy the joke! Please note that this post contains some seriously dirty jokes which may look inappropriate to some people:

‘Especially to nervous people with tender emotions.’ For them, we recommend reading our 201 Funny Jokes For Kids And Adults. They will surely enjoy those jokes. Have A Great Laughter Ahead!

A Lawyer, a Priest, and an Engineer meet each week for a game of golf. One day, they get stuck behind the slowest group of players they had ever seen. They were hitting the balls all over the place, getting stuck in just about every trap and patch of rough, and missing just about every putt. Finally, the group gets frustrated and heads to the clubhouse to find the manager.

“What’s with that group of players? They’re the worst I’ve ever seen! They’re holding up the course!”

The manager looks sheepish. “They’re retired firefighters, they lost their eyesight running into a burning orphanage to save the children. They love golf, so I let them play for free for charity.”

The Priest looks ashamed of himself. “As a man of God, I feel terrible for getting angry at those men. At my next sermon, I’ll see if I can get a collection going for their families.”

The Lawyer likewise looks chagrined. “Same here, I’ll check with my firm and see if we can’t open a case to get them awarded restitution for their pain and injuries.”

The Engineer says, “Why can’t they play at night?”

On the first day, God created the dog…God said, “Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a lifespan of 20 years.”

The dog said, “That’s a long time to be barking. How about only 10 years and I’ll give you back the other 10?”

So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said, “Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a 20-year lifespan.”

The monkey said, “Monkey tricks for 20 years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back 10 as the dog did?”

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said, “You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves, and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a lifespan of 60 years.”

The cow said, “That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for 60 years. How about 20 and I’ll give back the other 40?”

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created humans and said, “Eat, sleep, play, marry, and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you 20 years.”

But the human said, “Only 20 years? Could you possibly give me my 20, the 40 the cow gave back, the 10 the monkey gave back, and the 10 the dog gave back? That makes 80, okay?”

“Okay,” said God. “You asked for it.”

So that is why for our first 20 years, we eat, sleep, play, and enjoy ourselves. For the next 40 years, we slave in the sun to support our family.
For the next 10 years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last 10 years, we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Once an eyewitness was answering the questions in a lengthy manner. The Public prosecutor got angry and said to the witness:

There is no need to speak in this way. Whatever you are asked, answer only yes or no.

Witness: Sir, Not every question can be answered in Yes or No.

Attorney: Absolutely, you can. Ask me any question, and I will answer with a simple Yes or No.

Witness: Okay Sir, On your insistence, let me ask you a question. You just answer Yes or No.

Attorney: Ask?

Witness: Has your wife stopped beating you or not?

The poor Attorney is still in a state of coma…

A host questions Pappu in a game show: If you’re walking through the woods and a lion attacks your wife and mother-in-law, who will you save first?

Pappu: Hey buddy! I will save the lion. After all, how many of those poor fellows are left now?

Pappu got a job in the Circus because of his unique ability to eat 50 Rotis.
First show: Pappu ate 50 Rotis.
After 2 hours the second show started. Once again he consumed 50 Rotis.
Then the third show was House Full…
But when the fourth show started Pappu disappeared.
Tensed Circus officials went to Pappu’s home to find him.
There they saw Pappu sitting on a chair and eating the Rotis.
Circus officials: What are you doing here? Stand up asap, the show has started.
Pappu: You Bastards! Will I spend all 24 hours doing the job?
Shouldn’t I come home even to have food?

A priest had kept a parrot. Every day the parrot would see a man and abuse him.
When the man complained about him to the Priest, the Priest banged the parrot a lot.
The next day when the man passed nearby the parrot, the parrot did not say anything.
After going a little further, when the man looked back, the parrot said laughing:
“Son! You must have understood.”

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus
I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”
Then I remembered I don’t know how to drive a bus.

Pappu went to meet his girlfriend’s father…
Girl’s father: I don’t want my daughter to spend her whole life with a stupid person…
Pappu: That’s why uncle, I have come here to take her with me…
After saying it, Uncle welcomed him with boots and slippers…

A man got a call from an unknown number on his phone.
Girl: Are you married?
Man: No, but who are you?
Girl: Your wife, come home today, I will tell you again.
After a while, he got a call again from an unknown number.
Girl: Are you married?
Man: Yes, but who are you?
Girl: Your Girlfriend, cheater!
Man: Sorry honey, I thought it was my wife.
Girl: I’m your wife, bloody bastard! Today you just come home.

Somebody has told the truth…
Life is just for Sunday.
The rest of the day it seems
I was born only to be humiliated….!!!

Best Funny Dirty Jokes For Every Husband And Wife

A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband is not in bed. She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a hot cup of coffee in front of him. He appears to be in deep thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of his coffee.

‘What’s the matter, dear’ she whispers as she steps into the room, ‘Why are you down here at this time of night.’

The husband looks up from his coffee, ‘It’s the 20th Anniversary of the day we met’.

She can’t believe he has remembered and starts to tear up.

The husband continues, ‘Do you remember 20 years ago when we started dating, I was 18 and you were only 16,’ he says solemnly.

Once again, the wife is touched to tears. ‘Yes, I do’ she replies.

The husband pauses. The words were not coming easily. ‘Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car’

‘Yes, I remember’ said the wife, lowering herself into the chair beside him.

The husband continued. ‘Do you remember when he shoved the shotgun in my face and said, “Either you marry my daughter or I will send you to jail for 20 years?’

‘I remember that too’, she replied softly.

He wiped another tear from his cheek and said “I would have gotten out today.”

One day someone asked a wise Sage: Baba! what is the difference between “Welding” and “Wedding”?
Sage: Son! In “Welding”, first, there is a spark and then there is a permanent bond.
But in “Wedding”, first, there is an alliance, and then sparks keep coming out for the rest of the life.
Hearing the wise words of the sage, the eyes of all devotees became moist.

A newly married girl to her mother-in-law: Mom! He (Her Husband) has not come yet, maybe he …with some other girl…
Mother-in-law: You bitch, why do you always think in the wrong way…? Maybe he has met an accident with a truck…!!!

How does the wife change after marriage, just pay attention…
First year: Honey, I told you to eat food, you haven’t eaten anything for a long time.
Second year: Meal is ready, shall I serve it?
Third year: Meal is ready, tell me when you want to eat.
Fourth year: I have prepared food and put it in the fridge. Now I’m going to the market, take it out and serve yourself.
Fifth year: I say today I will not be able to cook the meal, bring it from the hotel.
Sixth year: Go to hell… Every time it’s food, food, and only food. Oh, you had just eaten in the morning…!!!

If a person stays in a calm environment even for a while, he can easily guess his profit-loss.
:
:
:
That’s why bands are invited to weddings so that the groom should not get a chance to think again.

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.
I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf.

One day a woman asked the Priest the remedy for the happiness and prosperity of her home…
Priest: Daughter! feed the first bread to the cow and the last one to the dog…
Woman: Father! I do the same. I eat the first bread myself…
and… feeds the last bread to my husband…
The priest got unconscious after listening to it…!!

My wife and I were out to dinner and the waitress started flirting with me.
“She obviously has COVID,” my wife said.
“Why?” I asked.
My wife replied with a sneer, “Because she has no taste.”

The husband was looking for something in the cupboard when the Wife said:
You always keep saying mine and mine, sometimes say ‘ours too’…
When the husband didn’t answer, the wife got upset and said:
What are you looking for there…?
Husband: Our underwear…!!!

I came home really drunk last night and my wife wasn’t happy at all.
“How much have you had to drink?” she asked sternly, staring at me.
“Nothing” I slurred.
“Look at me!” she shouted. “It’s either me or the pub, which one is it?”
I paused for a second while I thought and mumbled…
“It’s you. I can tell by the voice.”

Dirty Jokes That Are Never Appropriate But Always Funny

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa and summons him to the IRS office. The auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney. The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

“I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, “Okay. Go ahead.”

Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet. Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

“Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he ends up urinating all over the auditor’s desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s own attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

“Are you okay?” the auditor asks.

“Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it!”

Sandra goes to the doctor not feeling well. Sandra: Doctor, I’ve not been feeling well lately…

Doctor: I’ve looked at your lab reports and I’m afraid I have some bad news.

Sandra: Don’t give me this lab nonsense. I believe in homeopathic medicine, faith-based approaches, and healing crystals.
All my life, they have never failed me. Now, will you do things my way, or do I need to see the manager???

Doctor: Sure, we’ll do things your way. No need to raise your temper. Why don’t we try an astrology-based approach?

Sandra: At last a sensible approach.

Doctor: So, what’s your star sign?

Sandra: It’s cancer.

Doctor: Well, what a fucking coincidence….!!!

Judge: You are accused of teasing a girl. Your crime is unpardonable.
75-year-old man: Sir, please let me say something.
Judge: You are not a 20-25-year-old lad to be listened to.
Old man: Sir, this is a 50-year-old case. The one who was molested now has come with her grandson.

In the Language period, the Teacher asked: What is the difference between a Poem and an Essay?
Johnny: Sir, out of the girlfriend’s mouth every word seems like a poem but
only one word from the wife’s mouth seems like Essay…!
I swear, after listening to the answer, the teacher’s eyes too welled up with tears…!!

A major new study recently found that humans eat more bananas than monkeys.
It’s true. I can’t remember the last time I ate a monkey.

One year, I had been a naughty child, and Santa left me a piece of coal.
So I poisoned his cookies. But the sneaky bastard found out and killed my dad.

I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Poor guy…!!!

Girlfriend: Let’s go to McDonald’s.
Boy: First tell me the spelling, only then we will go.
Girlfriend: Well, leave it. Let’s go to KFC.
Boy: What is the full form of KFC?
Girlfriend: Go to hell, bastard, just get a Burger…!!!

For us, Sunday and Monday are the same
Because when life is in deep shit, then
What is Sunday, and what is Monday.

The cemetery is so crowded.
People are just dying to get in.

Funny Dirty Jokes For Her: Laughter Beyond Imagination

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband’s two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she’s done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine. He says, “Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?” Hearing this the wife got unconscious…!!!

In a small town, a doctor is about to retire and a young colleague comes to replace him. They visit all the patients together, and the old doctor introduces the young one everywhere.

“Doctor, I’ve been having a constant stomach ache lately.” cries one of the patients.

The old doctor answers, “Didn’t you eat too much fruit? I think you should eat less, that’ll make you okay.”

As the two doctors leave the house, the young man wonders, “How could you make a diagnosis so quickly? You didn’t even examine the lady.”

“Simple. I dropped my stethoscope, and as picking it up, I saw that the trash can under the table was full of banana peels. I immediately realized what was wrong.”

They move on to the next house, where they are greeted by another lady. It’s the young doctor’s turn.

“Doctor, I’ve been feeling exhausted and weak lately.” says the lady.

“Well, ma’am, maybe you should do less volunteering for the church and get more rest.”

As they leave, the surprised old doctor asks his colleague, “How did you know that? After all, you didn’t even examine the lady, and you don’t even know her.”

“Simple. I dropped my stethoscope, and as picking it up, I saw the priest under the bed.”

Son had returned home after drinking the wine. To avoid his father’s scoldings he opened the laptop and started reading.
Father: Son! You again, drank the wine today…???
Son: No Daddy, Absolutely not, Today I have not drunk even a single sip of wine.
Father: You Scoundrel, then what are you reading by opening the suitcase?

After my dad died, I went to his favorite park to scatter his remains
A park employee came running, yelling “STOP! You can’t do that here!”
I said: “Why not?”
He said: “You have to cremate him first!”

“I work with animals,” the guy says to his Tinder date.
“That’s so sweet,” she replies. “I like a man who loves animals.
Man: Thanks!
Girl: But where do you work?”
Man: “I’m a butcher.”

When I was young I used to sniff gasoline to get high…
These days we switched to cocaine to save some money.

Pappu: What’s the quickest way to get to the hospital?
Gappu: Easy, just stand in the middle of a busy road.

Why is it that if you donate a kidney, people love you?
But if you donate five kidneys, they call the police.

Don’t challenge Death to a pillow fight
Unless you’re prepared for the reaper cushions.

I will never forget my grandpa’s last words
He said, “Quit shaking the ladder you little shit!”

Wonderful Dirty Jokes For Couples Who Are Weird Enough

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter. After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before!

All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty! One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “think nothing of it. I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

Wife: Shall I donate my old clothes?
Husband: Throw it asap. What would you do by donating your clothes?
Wife: No Honey, there are many poor and hunger-stricken women in the world. Anyone will wear it.
Husband: What a joke! That woman will never be poor and hunger-stricken whom your clothes fit well.
Wife (Angrily): What did you say?
…
…
…
Now the husband is absconding from home…

My wife and I have reached the difficult decision that we do not want children.
If anybody does, please just send me your contact details and we can drop them off tomorrow…!!!

A child was troubling his mother a lot. Angry mother said: “You are the son of a donkey.”
The child’s father, sitting nearby, said instantly: You said right. Indeed, he is the son of a mare.

The girl hugged the boy and said in his ear: Say something that my heart starts beating.
Boy: Your father is standing behind. Don’t move or else you will be caught…

A boy to his girlfriend: I can’t marry you. My family is not accepting the proposal.
Girl: Who all are in your home?
Boy: A wife and three children…

One day both Pappu and Gappu were sitting in a bar drinking alcohol.
Pappu said, ‘Last night at about three o’clock a.m. a thief entered my house.
I was on the way at that time and was going straight home from the bar.
Gappu asked: Did he get anything?
Pappu said: Why won’t? My wife thought it was me.
Now that poor guy is lying in the hospital instead of me…!!!

I was digging in our garden when I found a chest full of gold coins.
I was about to run straight home to tell my wife about it,
but then I remembered why I was digging in our garden.

My wife of 60 years told me, “Let’s go upstairs and make love.”
I just sighed and said, “Choose one, I can’t do both.”

The other day, my wife asked me to pass her lipstick but
I accidentally passed her a glue stick.
She still isn’t talking to me…

Read More Quotes: 225 Buddha Quotes on Life, Love, Karma & Happiness

Funny Dirty Jokes With Images To Discover Your Funny Bone

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck, and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced; He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Paradise. They’re all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is.

“I want to be gorgeous,” and so God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says “I want to be gorgeous too.” Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted. This goes on for a while but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in line starts laughing.

When there are only ten people left, this guy is rolling on the floor, laughing. Finally, God reaches this guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy calms down and says: “Make ‘em all ugly again.”

A Dutchman in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to the church. He said to the Priest, “Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. During WWII, I hid a Jewish man in my attic.”

“Well,” answered the Priest, “That’s not a sin.”

“But I made him pay me 20 guldens for each week he stayed.” The Dutchman said.

The Priest replied, “I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.”

The Dutchman exclaimed “Oh thank you Father; that eases my mind. Father, I have one more question.”

“What is it son?” asked the priest.

The Dutchman whispered, “Do I have to tell him the war is over?”

A cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates. ‘Have you ever done anything of particular merit?’, St. Peter asked.
‘Well, I can think of one thing,’ the cowboy offered. ‘On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota,
I came upon a gang of bikers who were threatening a young woman. I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn’t listen.
So, I approached the largest and most tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over,
ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, ‘Now, back off or I’ll kick the shit out of all of you!’

St Peter was impressed, ‘When did this happen?’
‘Couple of minutes ago.’

You’re offered $50,000, but if you accept it the person you hate the most in the entire world will get $100,000.
Are you taking it?
Yes, why wouldn’t I want $150,000?

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you’re “Being a respectful friend.”
Do it at home and you’re “Destroying evidence.”

Give a man a plane ticket and he’ll fly for a day.
Push a man out of a plane and he’ll fly for the rest of his life…

What’s worse than biting into an apple and finding a worm?
Biting into an apple and finding half a worm.

The more you feel cold and insulted, the more you will feel.
So don’t worry, be shameless and just enjoy life.

Never break someone’s heart, they only have one.
Break their bones instead, they have 206 of them.

‘I’m sorry’ and ‘I apologize’ mean the same thing.
Except at a funeral.

Read More Quotes: 501 Thankful Quotes To Thank God, Friends & Family

Brutal Dirty Jokes For People Who Love Endless Humor

So a stoner, a whoremonger, and an alcoholic are all on the bus together when they get in a fatal crash. Naturally, they go to hell for their sins, and when they meet the devil instead of damnation he first offers them 100 years in the room of their preferred sin with the condition they cannot leave even once. All three men, of course, gleefully accept the offer and go into their respective rooms.

100 year later, the devil checks on the room with the whoremonger and upon opening the door is met with “Oh, Thank God, It’s You! You are Back!” His body was chapped and worn, his manhood bruised to a pulp from overuse, he said “I swear I repent, I will never lust after a woman again! Just let me free!”

“Very well”, says the devil, and goes to check on the room with the alcoholic. Upon opening the door is met with “Oh, Thank God, It’s You! You are Back!” He looked sicker than a corpse with the hangover, the room covered in vomit and half-finished bottles, he said “I swear I repent, I will never taste a drop of alcohol again! Just let me free!”

“Very well”, says the devil, and goes to check on the room with the stoner. Upon opening the door, he hears no yelling or begging but instead sees the man sitting in the middle of a cannabis garden lusher than Eden, gently crying. The devil approaches him and asks, “So, how did you enjoy your century of sin?”, to which the man tearfully replies “…you forgot to give me a lighter.”

Three lazy and slackers were eating food together. Since there was no salt in the food, the question arose that who will bring the salt now???
A lazy person said: Whoever speaks first will bring the salt.
Everyone kept sitting, but no one ate the food.
Three days passed and all three fainted due to weakness. People thought all three were dead, that’s why preparations for their last rites were started…
As soon as the first one was about to be buried, he exclaimed: “I’m alive.”
And then the other two lazily shouted: “Come on, now bring the salt!”
Ha…Ha…Ha…Ha…Ha…Ha…

A Guy goes to the doctor for a checkup and gets bad news. “You’ve got a rare disease and you’ve only got 6 months to live” he is told.

The patient is incredulous and tells the doctor he’s going to get a second opinion.

He finds another doctor a few days later and after a battery of tests, this doctor gives him the same bad news.

The patient is in shock and asks if there’s anything he should do.

The doctor pauses a moment and says, “Can I give you some non-medical advice?”

“Sure, anything, Doc. I’m desperate! ”

“Are you religious? the doctor asks.

“Not at all,” says the patient.

“Well,” says the doctor, “I encourage you to join the Mormon church. Go to every service, get involved with every group and

small organization you can and completely immerse yourself in that religion. I mean, EVERY aspect of it you can.”

The patient perks up and is feeling hopeful. “Will that extend my life?!”

“No,” says the doctor, “But it’ll be the longest fucking 6 months you’ve ever had.”

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep.
Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.
“Are you still holding the ladder?”

If the sandal becomes small, it does not fit the feet and
If the girlfriend becomes fat, she does not fit in the arms.

What do an alcoholic and a necrophiliac have in common?…
Both like to crack open a cold one!

Our local pizza guy has been arrested for selling drugs.
I have been a loyal customer for years.
I honestly had no idea he was selling pizzas.

I’ve asked so many people what LGBTQ stands for.
So far no one has given me a straight answer.

Today was the worst day of my life.
My ex got hit by a school bus, and
I lost my job as a bus driver!

Dirty Jokes About Doctors & Patients For Medical Professionals

A group of first-year medical students is gathered around a table with a naked cadaver on it… Their instructor motions for them to come close for their first 3 lessons of medical school. “The first lesson is that you must not be afraid of the human body, alive or dead,” the professor says as some of the students are visibly uncomfortable.

He then holds up a finger and says, “You must also possess the strength to do the things necessary even though they may make you squeamish.” He then sticks his finger into the cadaver’s anus. Following that he pops a finger into his mouth.

“Your turn,” he says.

Slowly but surely all of the students stick their fingers into the cadaver’s anus and then into their mouths. As many are retching and sweating he then says,

“The final lesson today is that you must pay attention to the smallest details. You see I used my index finger for insertion, but, unlike you, I stuck my middle finger into my mouth.”

An elderly man went to the doctor’s office to get a double dose of Viagra. The doctor told him that he could not allow him a double dose.
“Why not” asked the elderly man.
“Because it’s not safe,” replied the doctor.
“But I need it really bad,” said the man.
“Well, why do you need it so badly?” asked the doctor.
The elderly man said, “My girlfriend is coming to town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday, and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can’t you see? I must have a double dose.”
The doctor finally relented saying, “Okay, I’ll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to see if there are any side effects.”
On Monday, the elderly man dragged himself in; his arm in a sling.
The doctor asked, “What happened to you?”
The elderly man said, “No one showed up.”

A physician lifts a cover sheet off a body in a morgue. A woman confirms: “Sure, that’s my husband – anyway, which washing powder did you use to get that so white?”

Do you know why a patient is made unconscious before the operation in the hospital?
Because if he is not made unconscious and the patient learns to operate, then who will ask the doctors?
After all, it’s a matter of their livelihood, buddy…!!!

Doctor (To Patient): If you take my medicine and get well what reward will you give me…
Patient: Sir, I’m a very poor man. I dig graves, and will dig yours free of cost…!

A doctor gets a phone call from a colleague while having dinner at home with his wife.
“We need a 4th for poker”
“I’ll be right over,” says the doctor.
“Is it serious?” His wife asks when she notices him quickly putting on his coat.
“Oh yes… there are 3 other doctors there already.”

“The best way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
The surgeon was fired later that day.

Patient: “Where exactly are you taking me, doctor?”
Doctor: “To the morgue.”
Patient: “What? But I’m not dead yet!”
Doctor: “And we’re not there yet.

The doctor gave me one year to live, so I shot him.
The judge gave me 15 years.
Problem solved…

Doctor: “You’ll be at peace soon”
Man: “Am I dying?”
Doctor: “No, your wife is.”

Short Funny Dirty Jokes For Elderly People With Pictures

The pilot was welcoming the passengers immediately after the take-off. “Thanks for flying with us this morning. Today, the weather is very….” Then all of a sudden the pilot starts screaming while he’s still on speaker… Oh God! Oh my god… oh my God… burnt, burnt, burnt, and with that, a terrible deep silence enveloped the whole ship.

After a while the pilot gets back on the microphone to talk to the passengers again, “I apologize for this incident, I spilled hot coffee on my lap. You can see my pants. Then came the loud voice of a passenger: Bastard! Just because of tea, you created panic in the whole ship. Just come here and see our pants!

An old lady is complaining to her motel receptionist that a man in the room across from hers is taking a shower with the blinds up.

‘It’s obscene!’, she yells. The receptionist goes up to her room and says, ‘Well ma’am, you can’t see anything from your window except the man’s head.’

Now she’s really mad. ‘Is that so! IS THAT SO! Get on that table and take a look!’

An elderly husband and wife aged 95 and 93 years respectively, went to their lawyer because they wanted a divorce.
The lawyer said with surprise, ‘You want a divorce at this age’, but right now both of you need each other very much and
what is the point of getting divorced now since you have been married for a long time?
It is so,’ said the husband, ‘We have been thinking of getting divorced for many years, but we decided to let all our children die first.

A couple was traveling on a train. Suddenly the girlfriend said to the boyfriend: Please don’t disturb me, my head is hurting.
The lover kissed the head of the girlfriend and asked how is the pain now?
Girlfriend (With Love): Now the pain is gone.
After a while, the girlfriend said: Please don’t disturb me, my eyes are hurting.
The lover kissed her eyes and asked: How is the pain now?
The Girlfriend said chirping: Wow! The pain has disappeared.
Meanwhile, the old man sitting in front of them got up with great hope and asked the boy: Son! Do you also cure piles?

When I left for the office in the morning, Mrs said: Leave the house only after saluting God… All works are good.
I said: I don’t believe… Even on the wedding day, I had left the house with folded hands.

My elderly relatives liked to tease me at weddings, saying, “You’ll be next!”
They soon stopped, though, once I started doing the same to them at funerals.

An old man goes to the doctor and complains that his wife can’t hear him.
How bad is it? the doctor asks.
I have no idea, the husband says.
Well, please test her. Stand 25 feet away from her and say something.
If she doesn’t hear you, get closer and say the same thing.
Keep moving closer and closer and repeating the comment until she does hear you.
That way we will have an idea of her range of hearing loss.
So the man goes home and sees his wife in the kitchen chopping up vegetables for dinner.
From 20 feet away: What are we having for dinner? No answer.
From 10 feet: Same thing.
From 5 feet: Same thing.
Finally, he’s standing right behind her: What’s for dinner?
She turns around, looks at him, and says:
For the FOURTH time, BEEF STEW!

Husband and wife were sitting in a park, two dogs were also sitting there
Suddenly one dog kissed another dog.
Husband said: Honey, if you don’t get angry, then I too…?
Wife: Ok go… but carefully; It is a dog, might it not bite you.

Old man: Doctor… Can I read with glasses on?
Doctor: Yes… yes… of course.
Old man: Well then, otherwise the life of an illiterate person is really a life…?

An 80 years old man said to his friend: I want to marry…?
Friend: Well, then move forward! What is the point of thinking so much about this?
Old man: Should I marry a widow?
Friend: Marry a virgin. She will automatically become a widow.

Read More Quotes: 205 Tuesday Motivational Quotes For Work

Funny Dirty Jokes That Will Keep You Laughing All Day

A burglar breaks into a home and holds the husband and wife in its hostage. At gunpoint, he forces the two to sit on chairs facing the opposite way, back to each other and ties them to the chairs. The burglar slowly and methodically begins stealing from the house. When the burglar has taken everything of value, he gets ready to leave, the homeowners still bound to their chairs, when suddenly, the man yells at the burglar, “Please untie her, please, let her go!”

The thief responds with, “No, I’m not untying either of you so that the authorities get notified as late as possible. Don’t worry, your neighbors will soon wonder why your lights are still on throughout the night and check in on you long before you succumb to dehydration”

The man yet again pleads,

“Please, just untie her, I’ll do anything!”

The burglar once again explains his reasoning,

“I need to get away with this crime, I’m sorry, I can’t leave anything up to chance.”

The man shuffles his chair towards the burglar, in a state of mania, exclaims,

“I’m begging you, man, just let her go, she won’t call the cops, I promise!”

The burglar, still unwilling to budge, did find it quite touching how much his hostage cared about his wife.

“Wow,” he said “You must really love your wife to beg me to untie her so desperately”

“No,” The man replied, in a state of frenzy “My wife will be home in 15 minutes.”

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house.
Exhausted from the afternoon’s activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman
to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home.
“Where have you been?” demanded his wife when he entered the house.
“Darling,” replied the man, “I can’t lie to you. I’ve been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn’t wake up until eight o’clock.”
The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, “You liar! You’ve been playing golf!”

A sadist, a masochist, a murderer, a necrophile, a zoophile, and a pyromaniac are all sitting on a bench in a mental institution.

“Let’s have sex with a cat?” asked the zoophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat and then torture it,” says the sadist.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, and then kill it,” shouted the murderer.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, and then have sex with it again,” said the necrophile.

“Let’s have sex with the cat, torture it, kill it, have sex with it again, and then burn it,” said the pyromaniac.

There was silence, and then the masochist said:

“Meow.”

Two hunters are in the woods when one of them collapses.
His hunting buddy immediately calls 911. “My friend isn’t breathing,” he shouts into the phone. “What should I do?”
“Relax,” the operator tells him. “I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.”
There’s silence and then a gunshot.
The guy gets back on the phone and says, “OK, now what?”

Two men crash into each other at an intersection. The first man steps out of his wrecked car screaming:

“You son-of-a-bitch, you wrecked my Jag! I’m a lawyer, I’m going to sue you for everything you have!”

Another man responds, “You Lawyers only care about money, you don’t even realize you just lost an arm.”

The Lawyer looks down where his arm should be and yells “Where’s my fucking Rolex!”

A negro was going on the bus with his child when the conductor seeing the child said:
“I have never seen such a black child to date.”
The negro was very angry, but he did not say anything and sat on the seat
with his mouth puffed up. Then Pappu asked him: “What happened brother”?
The negro said to Pappu: Hey man, that conductor has insulted me…
Pappu: Oh! go and beat that bastard…And give this chimpanzee’s baby to me…
But first tell, “Will it bite or not???…”

I was horrified when my wife told me that my six-year-old son wasn’t actually mine.
Apparently, I need to pay more attention during school pick-up.

A Canadian visits America and gets held at gunpoint by a stranger.
The stranger says, “Give me all your money and I’ll let you live!”
The Canadian replies gleefully, “Oh! You must be what they call a doctor!”

Teacher: What is the worst combination of illnesses?
Johnny: Alzheimer’s and Diarrhea.
Teacher: But why?
Johnny: Because you’re running but can’t remember where.

Give a man a match, and he’ll be warm for a few hours.
Set him on fire, and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
Terence Pratchett

Dark or dirty jokes may seem a bit taboo, but sometimes it’s Okay to just laugh. We hope these wonderful dirty jokes will be able to scatter those clouds of stress and worry to some extent that encircle your life every now and then. What are your favorite funny dirty jokes, please tell us in the comment section below.

To read more Jokes and Funny Quotes please go through our Quote Section. Also, don’t forget to share these awesome Dirty Jokes For Adults with your friends and followers on your favorite social media platform.

“Never Annoy Both The God and The Doctor? Because If The God is Angry You Have to Visit The Doctor And If The Doctor is Angry You Have to Go to God.”

– Lifelords